I just did my taxes last night. And as I was falling asleep, the idea for this popped into my head. I don’t even know.
Please fill out this form to see if you’re eligible to be my friend:
Annual Income: $________
Percentage of your Annual Income that you’re willing to use to buy me food, drinks and presents. This is your Adjusted Net Income: (%)__________
Sense of Humor:
+Bathroom humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Sexual humor appreciation: add 2 points
+Self deprecation humor appreciation: add 2 points
+Political humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Slapstick humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Ironic “so bad it’s funny” humor appreciation: add 1 point
+General talking of shit appreciation: add 2 points
-Racist humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Sexist humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Homophobic humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Gross-out humor appreciation: subtract 1 points
Adjusted Net Income +(-) Humor points: ____________ (Subtotal 1)
Credits: (Give yourself 10 points each for each one)
-Has the patience to overanalyze interpersonal situations with me
-Responds to communication promptly
-Happy to play outside
-Understands that silence isn’t always awkward.
-Likes similar music to me
Penalties: (Subtract 10 points for each one)
-Forces me to watch scary movies
-Doesn’t prioritize me as a friend
-Does dangerous things just to show off
-Drives drunk or fucked up
-Can’t take a joke; defensive
Subtotal 1 + Credits – Penalties: ____________ (Subtotal 2)
Partying level: (Grade yourself based on this bell curve)
Not at all: subtract 1 point
A little: add 1 point
I like to party but I can keep my shit together: add 3 points
I party like a fuckin crazy person: add 1 point
Alcoholic/addict: subtract 1 point
Subtotal 2 + partying points: ______________ (Total)
Dealbreakers: (Special Cases: See form F-U for exceptions to this rule. Otherwise, we’re not friendship material)
Republican/Watches Fox News and believes it
+Is there a chance you will try to sleep with me at some point during our friendship? if so please see Worksheet 6969 for eligibility.
+Are we gonna be blazing buddies? Please fill out Schedule 420 for weed etiquette and attitudes.
+Raver? See worksheet PL-UR for sketchiness rating.
Please submit your form and all attachments to the IRS by April 15th.
I think these ideas are simple, reasonable and feasible.* Not that I would have the first clue how to create them.
1) Bug repellant that actually works and also doesn’t poison your skin or smell bad
2) Nail polish that dries instantly and perfectly and lasts a long time
3) Bright color hair dye that works on any hair without bleach, actually turns out the color they advertise, and lasts (the same brightness) til it grows out
4) The ability to post individual “Texts From Last Night” or Tweets on Pinterest— I would totally get Pinterest if I could use it for this.
5) WordPress, Tumblr, Blogspot and Instagram all get together so you can be friends and comment and follow between all of them
*Of course there are tons of miracle cures and problem solutions that I wish existed. These just seem like they could actually happen.
Readthisbitch: i know power corrupts
but i like to believe if i was given power, well i would at least be RATIONAL
not expect unrealistic things
listen to what my underlings told me
also i wouldn’t call them underlings to their faces.
Dude: Bah, you’d be power-mad in a week
R: could happen
but i would TRY lol
D: you’d have slave boys in leather thongs kneeling at your desk, serving your every whim
R: i’d be like “bring me donuts! NO! THAT IS NOT ENOUGH DONUTS!”
(slaps thonged man ass)
D: Yeaaaaaaah… I should never be in power
I’d be a tyrannical powerhouse genius.
Pray I never get superpowers. I will ONLY use them for evil. And saving endangered species.
hey i support that!
you’re getting lasered.
D: SO MANY LASERS
The really evil ones will get the ass laser
The hot female ones will get the peen laser, or peeser. Wait, that sounds wrong.
Here are some facts that I learned and I want you to know:
When you move out of a house or apartment, know that the people cleaning up after you will be saying over and over “how did these people live like this?!” / you will find yourself repeating this when you’re moving into the new place.
The reason people leave their apartments so shitty is because when they got to THEIR new place, the last tenants had left it shitty and they realized how much they would need to clean it. “why should i clean my apartment for the next people, when i’m busy cleaning up some other asshole’s filth in my new place?” It’s a pay-it-forward chain of grossness.
If you’re ever driving and you encounter a uhaul truck, consider the fact that this is not like a regular truck, in that it’s not driven by someone with a commercial license. It’s driven by a regular-ass person who has NO IDEA what the fuck they are doing. Avoid them at all costs!
Just an example: We drove down the highway in our uhaul, completely clueless that we had left the back panel wide open with a couch and 3 shelves in there. We were like, why is everyone honking at us?
Through rigorous research, trial and error, I have come to a reliable solution to the problem of sleeping over with a hookup and having to take a shit while you’re there. This problem is inevitable. You probably just went out to eat and/or had some drinks, maybe some ill-advised drunken snacks like cup-o-noodles at 4am. But you just met this person so if you’re anything like me, you’re trying to keep the full magnitude of your foul bachelor / bachelorette frogness under wraps.
I strongly advise against the common practice of holding it all night and then trying to look relaxed at breakfast the next day.
I would think my solution would be obvious but a lot of people were highly impressed with it. I could tell because they raised their eyebrows and their faces twisted with what looked like envy.
What you do is, you shit in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping. Of course! And depending on the age and lifestyle of your hookup and his or her housemates, this could be any time. Some houses’ prime time is 2am. Others it’s 7am. Basically whenever everyone’s sleeping and the house has that dark eery glow of emptiness.
A “selfie” is a photo that you take of yourself, but it sounds more like it should mean “self-induced orgasm.”
All based on ACTUAL PEOPLE (I wish I had pics to include)
- Hottest Old Guy
- Looks the Most like Kris Jenner
- Shortest Shorts (male)
- Shorts closest to Looking like Underwear (female)
- Weirdest Workout
- Best Tattoos (probably me)
- Sketchiest Hoverer
- Most Consistently Fabulous Workout Outfits
- Worst Gym Etiquette
- Hottest Old Guy should probably actually be called Hottest Guy with Gray Hair
- I think Hottest Guy With Gray Hair and Most Consistently Fabulous Workout Outfits may be a couple! This delights me.
- Is “Hottest Guy That I’m Pretty Sure is 18 But Might Be In Highschool” an acceptable superlative?
There are certain musical artists who I love to listen to but can’t reconcile with my personal ethics.
I wish I could stop listening to them, but their music is so good!
Immortal Technique, Sizzla, MF DOOM– homophobic.
Mystikal– forced a girl to give him head (with the help of his body guards) because HE owed HER money.
Rihanna– still hangs out with/collaborates with her abusive, sexist ex.
Speaking of which, why do I feel I can’t boycott this music but have no trouble boycotting Chris Brown?
Because I knew he was an asshole BEFORE I heard his music– with the rest, I didn’t know until it was too late.