Children

Friend: they were there on xmas morning so my mom and the girls fought all morning b/c they’re ungrateful and it was just terrible.

Readthisbitch: ughhhh horrible

Friend: yeah i’m never having children

Readthisbitch: WORD

Friend: and if i do i’m telling them immediately upon birth that santa is fake

Medieval-Grade Sandwich

Dude: oh man i just had a medieval-grade sandwich.
i felt like a fat renaissance lord.
big chunks o’ rye bread,
a bunch of cold cut sausage,
cheese,
and grainy mustard.
soooooo savoryyyyy.

Readthisbitch: ohh mannnnn.
you’re a total feudal lord.

Dude: so feudal!
my peasants harvested that shit!

What a conversation with my mom looks like

me: you should get a dog

mom: Not now. Maybe if I end up alone

me: don’t say that. you’ll just end up praying for your husband’s death cause your friend’s dog has a litter of cute puppies

mom: Oh please. Not after I just got him house trained

Professional Cuddling

Readthisbitch: i wanna be a professional cuddler.
they’re makin money these days.

Manfriend: yeah i heard about that
however:
boners.
that would be the biggest professional hazard.

R: yeah i mean
i’m not afraid of a boner.
you know i can turn down a boner if it comes up when unwanted.
“unsexy cuddling with [Readthisbitch]” will be the name of my business.
every time someone starts to get too frisky I’ll fart on them or tell them a gross story about hemmroids.

M: D-: hahahahahaha lmao

Notable things my sisters said to me on our Sister Bday Outing last month

1) “You know how men like, ‘don’t understand women’? I think it’s because all men actually have Asperger’s.” -Lizzie

2) “Okay, Don Juanita.” -Lizzie

3) “The way you’re handling this is super weird!” -Lizzie

4) “It’s like we’re trying to prove which sister is the biggest psycho. [Readthisbitch], you won.” -Beckey

5) “I think I’m adopted.” -Beckey

I made this for a friend

Lo!

BF: it’s snowing balls here
BF: white fluffy flakes covering shit

Readthisbitch: oh literal balls lol

BF:haha yup lo,.
BF: lo! It Snows.

R: lmfao
R: good save

BF: i love archaic ejaculations

Regarding Darren Wilson’s Non-indictment

Readthisbitch: been stressin bout darren wilson
when i went to sleep and when i woke up and still.
it’s just… so….. UGH

BF: 😦

R: I CANT GET IT UP
NEED JUSTICE VIAGRA

BF: ahahaha
me too babe

R: 😥

BF: i have major justice blue balls

Monday Morning

Readthisbitch: hows the work drama?

Sent at 9:33 AM on Monday

BF: well everyone’s ignoring me
so I’ve got that going for me

R: lmao

BF: ugh
im like
not in the zone yet lol

R: what does it take to get in the zone?
maybe close your eyes and take some deep breaths and set some intentions
like a fucking hippie

BF: well tim’s in here playing with a vocoder
saying “monday morning” over & over again in a funny voice

R: OMFG i really wish i worked with you guys

BF: haha yeah i need some fuckin hippie vibes right now
i think i’m going to channel them w this vocoder & some coffee

Was that supposed to be private?

M: Actually, I think I made it a whole year without going to the ER/ Dr!
Go me!

Readthisbitch: wow!!! congrats!
i’ll always remember the story of the huge mucous that came out of your nose after your septum operation
i tell it at parties lol
i also tell your mystery disease horror story

M: Oh god

R: lmao
appropriate reaction

M: Never introduce me to your friends!!!! Lol