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Read This Bitch

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Read This Bitch

Category Archives: Conversations

Children

30 Saturday Jan 2016

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations, My Tragic Life

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Friend: they were there on xmas morning so my mom and the girls fought all morning b/c they’re ungrateful and it was just terrible.

Readthisbitch: ughhhh horrible

Friend: yeah i’m never having children

Readthisbitch: WORD

Friend: and if i do i’m telling them immediately upon birth that santa is fake

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Medieval-Grade Sandwich

22 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations, Food & Drink

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Dude: oh man i just had a medieval-grade sandwich.
i felt like a fat renaissance lord.
big chunks o’ rye bread,
a bunch of cold cut sausage,
cheese,
and grainy mustard.
soooooo savoryyyyy.

Readthisbitch:
ohh mannnnn.
you’re a total feudal lord.

Dude: so feudal!
my peasants harvested that shit!

What a conversation with my mom looks like

22 Thursday Oct 2015

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations

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me: you should get a dog

mom: Not now. Maybe if I end up alone

me: don’t say that. you’ll just end up praying for your husband’s death cause your friend’s dog has a litter of cute puppies

mom: Oh please. Not after I just got him house trained

Professional Cuddling

16 Wednesday Sep 2015

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations

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Readthisbitch: i wanna be a professional cuddler.
they’re makin money these days.

Manfriend: yeah i heard about that
however:
boners.
that would be the biggest professional hazard.

R: yeah i mean
i’m not afraid of a boner.
you know i can turn down a boner if it comes up when unwanted.
“unsexy cuddling with [Readthisbitch]” will be the name of my business.
every time someone starts to get too frisky I’ll fart on them or tell them a gross story about hemmroids.

M: D-: hahahahahaha lmao

Notable things my sisters said to me on our Sister Bday Outing last month

29 Monday Jun 2015

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations, Memorable Quotes, My Tragic Life, Stories

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1) “You know how men like, ‘don’t understand women’? I think it’s because all men actually have Asperger’s.” -Lizzie

2) “Okay, Don Juanita.” -Lizzie

3) “The way you’re handling this is super weird!” -Lizzie

4) “It’s like we’re trying to prove which sister is the biggest psycho. [Readthisbitch], you won.” -Beckey

5) “I think I’m adopted.” -Beckey

Image

I made this for a friend

21 Tuesday Apr 2015

Cristina

Posted by readthisbitch | Filed under Conversations, My Tragic Life, Opinion

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Lo!

05 Monday Jan 2015

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations

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snow

BF: it’s snowing balls here
BF: white fluffy flakes covering shit

Readthisbitch: oh literal balls lol

BF:haha yup lo,.
BF: lo! It Snows.

R: lmfao
R: good save

BF: i love archaic ejaculations

Regarding Darren Wilson’s Non-indictment

30 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations

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Readthisbitch: been stressin bout darren wilson
when i went to sleep and when i woke up and still.
it’s just… so….. UGH

BF: 😦

R: I CANT GET IT UP
NEED JUSTICE VIAGRA

BF: ahahaha
me too babe

R: 😥

BF: i have major justice blue balls

Monday Morning

04 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations

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Readthisbitch: hows the work drama?

Sent at 9:33 AM on Monday

BF: well everyone’s ignoring me
so I’ve got that going for me

R: lmao

BF: ugh
im like
not in the zone yet lol

R: what does it take to get in the zone?
maybe close your eyes and take some deep breaths and set some intentions
like a fucking hippie

BF: well tim’s in here playing with a vocoder
saying “monday morning” over & over again in a funny voice

R: OMFG i really wish i worked with you guys

BF: haha yeah i need some fuckin hippie vibes right now
i think i’m going to channel them w this vocoder & some coffee

Was that supposed to be private?

04 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by readthisbitch in Conversations

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M: Actually, I think I made it a whole year without going to the ER/ Dr!
Go me!

Readthisbitch: wow!!! congrats!
i’ll always remember the story of the huge mucous that came out of your nose after your septum operation
i tell it at parties lol
i also tell your mystery disease horror story

M: Oh god

R: lmao
appropriate reaction

M: Never introduce me to your friends!!!! Lol

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  • If you want me to stay over and possibly bang you…
  • Children
  • Medieval-Grade Sandwich
  • What a conversation with my mom looks like
  • Professional Cuddling

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