I just did my taxes last night. And as I was falling asleep, the idea for this popped into my head. I don’t even know.

Please fill out this form to see if you’re eligible to be my friend:

Annual Income: $________

Percentage of your Annual Income that you’re willing to use to buy me food, drinks and presents. This is your Adjusted Net Income: (%)__________

Sense of Humor:
+Bathroom humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Sexual humor appreciation: add 2 points
+Self deprecation humor appreciation: add 2 points
+Political humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Slapstick humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Ironic “so bad it’s funny” humor appreciation: add 1 point
+General talking of shit appreciation: add 2 points
-Racist humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Sexist humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Homophobic humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Gross-out humor appreciation: subtract 1 points

Adjusted Net Income +(-)  Humor points: ____________ (Subtotal 1)

Credits: (Give yourself 10 points each for each one)
-Has the patience to overanalyze interpersonal situations with me
-Responds to communication promptly
-Happy to play outside
-Understands that silence isn’t always awkward.
-Snacking/food appreciation
-Loves cats
-Likes cuddling
-Likes similar music to me

Penalties: (Subtract 10 points for each one)
-Forces me to watch scary movies
-Doesn’t prioritize me as a friend
-Does dangerous things just to show off
-Drives drunk or fucked up
-Can’t take a joke; defensive
 
Subtotal 1 + Credits – Penalties: ____________ (Subtotal 2)

Partying level: (Grade yourself based on this bell curve)
Not at all: subtract 1 point
A little: add 1 point
I like to party but I can keep my shit together: add 3 points
I party like a fuckin crazy person: add 1 point
Alcoholic/addict: subtract 1 point

Subtotal 2 + partying points: ______________ (Total)

Dealbreakers: (Special Cases: See form F-U for exceptions to this rule. Otherwise, we’re not friendship material)
Pathological Liar
Suck-up
Republican/Watches Fox News and believes it
Bigot
Murderer
Manipulator/Controlling
Sexual Predator
Thief

Additional forms:

+Is there a chance you will try to sleep with me at some point during our friendship? if so please see Worksheet 6969 for eligibility.

+Are we gonna be blazing buddies? Please fill out Schedule 420 for weed etiquette and attitudes.

+Raver? See worksheet PL-UR for sketchiness rating.

Please submit your form and all attachments to the IRS by April 15th.

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