I bought a 7 dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
-Mitch Hedberg

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
-Jane Austen

me (re: the dirty dishes): don’t touch those dishes!
dad: why, are they a still life?

When choosing between 2 evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
-Mae West

It smells like one of those salmonella candles!
-a friend

I was writing a letter to my dad and I wanted to write “I really enjoy being here.” But I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really.” But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away.
-Mitch Hedberg

I kind of wanna put honey on her and put her outside and see if animals eat her.
-a friend

What do I do when I feel “insecure?” I watch movies. And then I eat a lot until I get really fat. And when the phone rings I don’t pick it up because it makes me feel cool. And when I go to the grocery store, I glare at people before they can glare at me. And when I go to the video store for the fifth time, I glare at people there too!
-my sister

So what you’re saying is, I can admire a man’s penis in the shower all I want, but the moment I put it in my mouth some sort of line has been crossed?
-Ali G, asking a Pastor about homosexuality

All the plow drivers always wave at me. But I think it’s just because they’re like “Oh, look. That’s Gary’s retarded child! I didn’t know they let retarded people get their licenses!”
-a friend

“I didn’t have sex with your girlfriend. You were gone for like 3 seconds!”
“Oh really, that’s funny, that’s exactly what someone who DID have sex with my girlfriend would say!”

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it’s probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.
-Bill Grieser

me: how could he NOT be getting laid by someone else. He’s the coolest person in the WORLD!
sister: first of all, I’M the coolest person in the world…

I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
-David Sedaris

You should always get a good night’s sleep before cutting your hair– especially the hair on your balls.
-a friend

At a flea market one day, two of our guy friends buy a ninja throwing star and then disappear for a long time. When I and the others finally find them sitting against my car and drinking beers, they whine, “We’re bleeding!”

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain

Usually when I’m out here solo, I’m by myself.
-a friend