I bought a 7 dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
-Mitch Hedberg

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
-Jane Austen

me (re: the dirty dishes): don’t touch those dishes!
dad: why, are they a still life?

When choosing between 2 evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
-Mae West

It smells like one of those salmonella candles!
-a friend

I was writing a letter to my dad and I wanted to write “I really enjoy being here.” But I accidentally wrote “rarely” instead of “really.” But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad. There’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away.
-Mitch Hedberg

I kind of wanna put honey on her and put her outside and see if animals eat her.
-a friend

What do I do when I feel “insecure?” I watch movies. And then I eat a lot until I get really fat. And when the phone rings I don’t pick it up because it makes me feel cool. And when I go to the grocery store, I glare at people before they can glare at me. And when I go to the video store for the fifth time, I glare at people there too!
-my sister

So what you’re saying is, I can admire a man’s penis in the shower all I want, but the moment I put it in my mouth some sort of line has been crossed?
-Ali G, asking a Pastor about homosexuality

All the plow drivers always wave at me. But I think it’s just because they’re like “Oh, look. That’s Gary’s retarded child! I didn’t know they let retarded people get their licenses!”
-a friend

“I didn’t have sex with your girlfriend. You were gone for like 3 seconds!”
“Oh really, that’s funny, that’s exactly what someone who DID have sex with my girlfriend would say!”
-Friends

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it’s probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you.
-Bill Grieser

me: how could he NOT be getting laid by someone else. He’s the coolest person in the WORLD!
sister: first of all, I’M the coolest person in the world…

I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
-David Sedaris

You should always get a good night’s sleep before cutting your hair– especially the hair on your balls.
-a friend

At a flea market one day, two of our guy friends buy a ninja throwing star and then disappear for a long time. When I and the others finally find them sitting against my car and drinking beers, they whine, “We’re bleeding!”

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain

Usually when I’m out here solo, I’m by myself.
-a friend

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