I found my old book of quotes I wrote down from my high school years. They’re from random sources– the internet, tv, other people, etc. A lot of them suck but I shall salvage the good ones and post them here:

Urban Dictionary definition of “Casual Sex:” Sex that wears trousers and a nice looking polo shirt to work and parties.
“Usually I don’t care about these things, but casual sex was way under-dressed at the reception on Friday.”

Homer Simpson: “You see, the thing about my family is that there’s five of us: Bart, girl-Bart, the one who doesn’t talk, the one with blue hair, and the fat guy… how I loathe him.”

“My wife only likes to have sex in places where there is a risk of getting caught. Well, I have caught her. Numerous times, in fact.” -Brad Osberg

“If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.” -unknown

“When the authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to me learned: Do not have sex with the authorities.” – Matt Groening

“Next time you come in, knock first, and then DON’T COME IN!” -The Three Stooges

“I sighed, which is surprisingly difficult under water. ‘Penfold, I don’t believe in giant killer fish.’ Far above us, a giant killer fish suddenly dropped dead.” –Articulate Jim

“My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.” -Emo Philips

“What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day? No, it’s not a joke, I really need to know because I want to put it on my resume.” -Damon R. Milhem

“If you never stepped on anyone’s toes, you never been for a walk.” -High Tide in Tucson

“As I fill out the job application and get to the part about ‘Sex: F or M’ I never know which to choose– I really like to F, but I spend most of my time alone, M-ing.”- Tony Podrasky

“It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.” -Judith Martin (Miss Manners)