If you want me to stay over and possibly bang you…

Bathroom:

should be equipped with:
soap
toilet paper
towel/paper towels
mirror

should not be:
completely disgusting
shared with an entire artist warehouse and be 100 yards away from your room

I should not have to:
tiptoe past your parents’ room to get to it

Bedroom:

should have:
a bed that is not entirely covered in debris
sheets and pillow cases that have been washed in the last month
pillows
blankets
a garbage can that is not overflowing

should be:
not completely disgusting.

Living space in general:

should be:
not shared with your parents
not completely disgusting (i know, it’s hard to have both. you have to clean up after yourself instead of your mom doing it.)

should have:
at least 1 snack food available
a couple clean dishes to use during my stay. like, a glass for water at least?

Bonus points for:

car that is not filled with trash

You would be surprised, or maybe not surprised that much, how many dudes DO NOT HAVE these basics.

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Professional Cuddling

Readthisbitch: i wanna be a professional cuddler.
they’re makin money these days.

Manfriend: yeah i heard about that
however:
boners.
that would be the biggest professional hazard.

R: yeah i mean
i’m not afraid of a boner.
you know i can turn down a boner if it comes up when unwanted.
“unsexy cuddling with [Readthisbitch]” will be the name of my business.
every time someone starts to get too frisky I’ll fart on them or tell them a gross story about hemmroids.

M: D-: hahahahahaha lmao

Notable things my sisters said to me on our Sister Bday Outing last month

1) “You know how men like, ‘don’t understand women’? I think it’s because all men actually have Asperger’s.” -Lizzie

2) “Okay, Don Juanita.” -Lizzie

3) “The way you’re handling this is super weird!” -Lizzie

4) “It’s like we’re trying to prove which sister is the biggest psycho. [Readthisbitch], you won.” -Beckey

5) “I think I’m adopted.” -Beckey

Stoner Anecdote

So me and the BF were sitting on our couch smoking a bowl, and I put on Pink Floyd “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” because it was stuck in my head. I was being silly and singing along and doing crazy hand motions. At one point, he was hitting the bowl and the song had just gotten to the first chorus, and I closed my eyes and thrust my arms out dramatically, and at the same point he was trying to pass me the bowl, and I fucking SMACKED the bowl out of his hand and it went flying across the room!! Luckily it landed on the carpet… and we started fucking cracking up–the bowl was fine but all the weed fell out and I was like “I’ll ..uh.. repack that..”

application to be my friend, tax return style

I just did my taxes last night. And as I was falling asleep, the idea for this popped into my head. I don’t even know.

Please fill out this form to see if you’re eligible to be my friend:

Annual Income: $________

Percentage of your Annual Income that you’re willing to use to buy me food, drinks and presents. This is your Adjusted Net Income: (%)__________

Sense of Humor:
+Bathroom humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Sexual humor appreciation: add 2 points
+Self deprecation humor appreciation: add 2 points
+Political humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Slapstick humor appreciation: add 1 point
+Ironic “so bad it’s funny” humor appreciation: add 1 point
+General talking of shit appreciation: add 2 points
-Racist humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Sexist humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Homophobic humor appreciation: subtract 2 points
-Gross-out humor appreciation: subtract 1 points

Adjusted Net Income +(-)  Humor points: ____________ (Subtotal 1)

Credits: (Give yourself 10 points each for each one)
-Has the patience to overanalyze interpersonal situations with me
-Responds to communication promptly
-Happy to play outside
-Understands that silence isn’t always awkward.
-Snacking/food appreciation
-Loves cats
-Likes cuddling
-Likes similar music to me

Penalties: (Subtract 10 points for each one)
-Forces me to watch scary movies
-Doesn’t prioritize me as a friend
-Does dangerous things just to show off
-Drives drunk or fucked up
-Can’t take a joke; defensive
 
Subtotal 1 + Credits – Penalties: ____________ (Subtotal 2)

Partying level: (Grade yourself based on this bell curve)
Not at all: subtract 1 point
A little: add 1 point
I like to party but I can keep my shit together: add 3 points
I party like a fuckin crazy person: add 1 point
Alcoholic/addict: subtract 1 point

Subtotal 2 + partying points: ______________ (Total)

Dealbreakers: (Special Cases: See form F-U for exceptions to this rule. Otherwise, we’re not friendship material)
Pathological Liar
Suck-up
Republican/Watches Fox News and believes it
Bigot
Murderer
Manipulator/Controlling
Sexual Predator
Thief

Additional forms:

+Is there a chance you will try to sleep with me at some point during our friendship? if so please see Worksheet 6969 for eligibility.

+Are we gonna be blazing buddies? Please fill out Schedule 420 for weed etiquette and attitudes.

+Raver? See worksheet PL-UR for sketchiness rating.

Please submit your form and all attachments to the IRS by April 15th.